just plain tired

I haven't been writing much lately. I've fallen behind on my journals again - worse, I'm having a hard time even remembering when I last wrote, never mind what I have to write about. I've just been having a hard time getting my thoughts together. This bothers me, because writing has always been so important to me. It's my way of thinking. It's how I clarify things for myself. It's how I communicate best. The fact that I'm not only writing less, but not really missing is, tells me that something is quite wrong.

I think the main thing is, I'm just plain tired. I've given up trying to go to bed before 2 am. I just lie there, tossing and turning. I'm a night owl, and nights are when I tend to be more alert. If I could reverse my night/day sleep patterns, I would. As it is, I'm mostly shifted over to staying up late - but not really being able to sleep late, as there's too many things I have to do during the day - especially if I'm working that evening. I tend to be a light sleeper, but when I was working nights and sleeping during the day, I found I slept very soundly and deeply - something I no long thought I could do anymore.

The worst, though, is that even if I'm finally at a point where I can sleep, it's frequently interrupted. The noise levels outside our apartment have been really bad lately. During the night, there's the reving of engines, breaking of bottles, and druken sots shouting and swearing during the wee hours of the morning. Then there's that #$@#$@#$@ car alarm that keeps getting set off. One recent night, there was at least 2, possibly 3, going at the same time. Other times, people on the balconies above us start having arguements with people on the ground. There's someone that frequently pisses off his balcony during the night. Others (or the same one?) will throw their beer cans over the rail. Never mind that the ground floor apartments are all families with small children, who play in the patios now covered with piss and beer. Even in the evenings, it's sometimes hard to enjoy our own balcony, as still-lit cigarettes and matches tossed from above get blown onto ours.

Then there's the early morning, and the garbage and recycling trucks. Plus the construction going at the apartements across from us. For over a month now, we've been serenaded by banging as roof shingles are being replaced, and the sound of loud machines of various types. There's very little grass around the ground level of our complex, but it's cut by an industrial sized riding mower - with a noise level to match.

I have to admit, though, that it's more than just the unending noise - or perhaps the noise levels are making me less able to tolerate certain things. I'm finding myself becoming much more overwhelmed by my pain. I don't know that it's really any worse than usual. Mornings, when I first get out of bed, have always been the worst. It generally takes quite a bit of walking (hobbling) around before the stiffness and pain in my feet subside. It's frustrating, because painkillers have no effect at all. Sometimes I take them, just in case *this time* they will help, but there's no difference between when I've taken them, and when I haven't.

The stiffness and the pain that accompanies it does at least subside once I've walked around for a bit. A new thing has emerged, though. The outer bone of my left foot has started to hurt almost constantly, as if there were a fracture, and the spurs in both my heals have become more senstive. The use of special insoles does help, but only so much.

Lately, my legs have been bothering me more, though it's probably due to the seasons changing. I've become sensitive to changes in barometric pressure. I think it's the shooting pains in my lower legs that are the hardest to deal with. It doesn't matter if I'm standing or sitting, well rested, or if I've been on my feet all day. When they hit, they hit. For the second or two it happens, it's like the bones are splitting apart, shattering, snapping - and then it stops. I'm amazed I've yet to drop to the ground during the times it happens while I'm standing. That brief second of pain seems so much longer. Not knowing how quickly another one will come sure doesn't help. There's that sense of dread anticipation.

As I write this, it does seem like a lot, but really, it isn't. I've had far worse pain - especially when living in Richmond's humid climate, when I found I could barely walk anymore because of it. God knows, there are people in far worse pain than I. I'm thankful that I *can* walk, and once I've been up and about for a while, it really doesn't slow me down that much. It's just that lately, I guess I've got less tolerance for it. I suspect that inability to get a decent amount of uninterrupted sleep has a lot to do with it. That, and I've sometimes not been as diligent about eating as often as I should, and that can greatly effect my mood.

The good news is, we're going to be doing something about it. We're going to try and get an apartment higher up in our building - much higher, like 12th floor or higher. Without the street noise, I should finally be able to get at least *some* sleep. My husband called the leasing office about it and was told that, since we have kids, we have to stay on a "family floor" (the three bottom floors). The woman that told him this, though, wasn't comfortable saying it - she knows our kids, and that they're older. Especially when he pointed out all the other kids, much younger than ours, that are living on loors above us. She told my husband to call back tomorrow to talk to a supervisor, as it's not her decision to make. If things go well, we'll be moving into a new apartment for Nov. 1 - at least that's what we're going to be asking for. The rent will be higher, but it'll be worth it. Actually, I'm not sure it's even a choice anymore. Sleep deprivation is stating to really mess me up.