still moving on... I think

I guess my blog title is still quite appropriate.

Today, my dh got a call from a company - one of several that had been "courting" him before he took the position he has now - looking to interview him. Several other people from the office he's in now have taken positions with the company, too, so he knows quite a bit about them. He's gone through an interview with them before, and they're familiar with him, as well, and we know that if they're calling again, they're serious about wanting him.

Considering some problems that creeped up after he took this position (misleading information, unprofessional behavior, etc.), he's not adverse to looking elsewhere, though he would rather finish off his current contract. Being in the IT field, he knows he has to keep his ears open all the time, too, so he's not about to just blow it off. He's got an interview set and we'll see what happens from there.

Although the position is in a nearby community, if things work out and he does end up accepting the position, it would mean we'd have to move. Again. It would have to be a pretty damn good offer for that to happen, and if we did move, it would be a step up in many ways - if nothing else, my husband might be willing to give the kids a bit more freedom if we move away from the "bad" area we're in now. Just the fact that they're courting him again is a positive thing.

So why do I feel so down about it? I knew our current living arrangements were temporary - the plan had been to stay here for a couple of years, then buy a house, though the buying a house part has been pushed back at least a couple more years, since it's taking us longer to get back on our feet financially than we expected (another "mistake" that makes us less than loyal to dh's current employer).

I know what part of the reason is. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I've moved a few times already. I don't think I've mentioned just how many, though. This last move was, for me, the 16th since I turned 18. I think. I'm starting to loose track. For my eldest, it was her 7th, and the 5th for my youngest. I'm getting tired of it. Actually, it's not so much the moving that I'm tired of. It's the fact that every time we do, we loose things. We sell things off, then can't quite afford to replace them as planned after the move. During one of our moves - what was supposed to be only a 6 month contract - we took along only what we could pack in the car as my husband drove out, and carry on the plane as the girls and I flew out a month later. We ended up being there for almost 2 years. Two years of things being extended 6 more months, then another 6 months. Two years of not buying proper furniture because we'd be gone in a couple of months, anyways. Then when we finally did leave, we only took what could be packed in boxes and shipped by bus, or what we could pack in - and on - the car. So much got left behind, even though we had so little to begin with.

My husband had promised me that we'd never go through that again, yet this move, that's exactly what we ended up doing. We got rid of or left behind all the furniture, and we are just barely starting to replace them now. And now we might move again. Not that we're going to get rid of anything this time - we don't have enough to do so.

I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of doing without. We've been married for almost 20 years; we're both sneaking up on our 40th birthdays, and what do we have to show for all those years? Nothing. In some ways, we've got less now than when we first started out together.

I guess I'm just wishing we had the normal, ordinary things of life. Like furniture - in *all* our rooms. A house that's ours. Being able to unpack fully. Having a kitchen properly stocked with tools and bakeware. Being able to take out and display the few items I've managed to keep throughout our moves, but don't have anywhere to unpack them to. Being able to do something long term, rather than thinking "should I bother starting with this, or will we be moving and have to stop/leave behind/otherwise get rid of, whatever it is.

I think what's happened after all these moves is that the old excitement of a new beginning has been replaced by the dread of "what will I have to give up this time?"

After all these years, I'm tired of it.